"How to Write for TV (Intro)"  (How I Got the Gig - ebook)

I was a true TV kid.

When I look back on my tender childhood, I estimate that I watched 90,000 hours of TV as a kid -50,000 hours of those were "violent" TV. If you listen to all those childrens' TV advocates, I should have become an axe murderer!

Our family did not have cable until I was eleven years old, until that glorious moment, we only had four channels, sometimes five or six, if you were good with rabbit ears. Once we did get cable, it was only 12 channels, but for me, it was heaven on earth!

I loved TV. The people on TV were funnier and smarter than any of my family or friends. I learned about morals and ethics from the Twilight Zone. I learned about politics and social issues on Phil Donahue. I learned about women from watching Charlie's Angels!

However, not everyone was happy with my 80+ hours of TV viewing per week. In fact, my mother was so upset with all my tube addiction that she decided to cut the cord.

She came marching in with a pair of metal scissors, prepared to slice the electrical cord while the TV was plogged in and on!. Having learned about the dangers of electricity from the TV show Mr. Wizard, I warned her not to, but she was intent on teaching me a lesson.

Mom cut the cord, sparks went flying, and so did she.

My mother fell to the ground and was seriously electrocuted, but thank God, I was able to fix the TV electrical cable with some help from Radio Shack and knowledge from past episodes of Mission Impossible.

I loved television so much, I went to Hollywood and became a TV writer. The first show that I ever wrote for was MTV's Beavis and Butthead..

My mother was so embarrassed by my success that she actually stopped going to church for six months for fear that a fellow church-goer might watch the show all the way through and might see my name on the credits.

When I started writing for some shows on Nickelodeon, she began going back to church, thus avoiding eternal damnation. I don't have the heart to tell her that I once worked as a department editor at Hustler Magazine, that would absolutely kill her, so I'll have to time it just right.

Today, my mom watches Fox News, 24 hours a day, she even has it on while she sleeps.

I may have to cut the cord.