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"Why Women Pick Jerks " (Original Screenplay by Michael Allen)
MIKE, a normal looking guy in his 30's, speaks directly into the CAMERA.
MIKE
Woody Allen has a great joke, it goes, "I
have never had a relationship that has ever
lasted longer than the one between Hitler
and Eva Braun."
(pause)
That's so true, but what's worse is that Hitler
actually had more girlfriends than me.
MONTAGE of Black and White photos of attractive women.
MIKE (V.O.)
There was Winifred Wagner, Mitzi Reiter, Fran
Hoffman, Helen Hanf Staengl, Jenny Hang and
that's before he became famous.
EXT. BERLIN APT - NIGHT
SUPER: " Berlin 1930"
INT. APT.
GIRL #2 and GIRL #3 are adjusting GIRL #1's hair.
GIRL #4 is polishing GIRL #1's shoes.
The women speak German, but we see their dialogue in subtitles.
GIRL #1
(Fraulein, Do you think Herr Hitler will like this dress?)
GIRL #2
(Oh, yes. Hitler is sooooo dreamy.)
GIRL #3
(And his comb over is sexy!)
GIRL #2
(I love his cute little moustache!)
GIRL #1
(Do you think I should… umm.. you
know go all the way with Herr Hitler...)
GIRL #2
(You mean you haven't already??????)
GIRL #1
(We've done everything but….)
GIRL #2
(God, what's stopping you?)
GIRL #3
(Who are you saving it for???)
GIRL #4
(You should hold out Fraulein. Maybe
he'll marry you. Just think, then you could
be...the bride of Hitler.)
SFX: CAR HONKING .
GIRL #1
(Oh, there he is, oh my God, oh my God!!!)
GIRL #3
(Just relax, just relax, oh my God, oh my God!!!)
SFX: CAR HONKING
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
Mike...
INT. CAR - DAY
Mike is driving. SUNNY, an attractive blonde in her 20's is in the passenger seat.
She is cute, but not gorgeous, has a nice body, but not outrageous.
SUNNY
How can you glorify Hitler?
MIKE
I'm not glorifying Hitler. This is historical fact
I've researched this.
SUNNY
Where?
MIKE
Barnes and Noble.
SUNNY
Who goes to Barnes and Noble to read about Hitler?
MIKE
What else am I going to do on a Saturday night, it's not like I have a date. You won't go out with me.
SUNNY
We can go out as "friends." MIKE
"Just friends." SUNNY
What's wrong with that?
MIKE
What about Bill? He's your friend, you sleep with him.
SUNNY
Bart. We're "friends with benefits."
MIKE
How do I get benefits, do I have to join a union?
HOLD ON SUNNY ROLLING HER EYES.
MIKE (V.O.)
That's Sunny, we recently broke up, well, technically,
we were never actually, officially dating. But we
did, but not really, it's sorta complicated. SUNNY
You are so bitter. MIKE
I'm not bitter. I'm just honest. It's a historical fact that Hitler
had more girlfriends than me. He had lots of girls.
SUNNY
Not ALL WOMEN love Hitler!
MIKE
I never said "all women."
SUNNY
Okay.
MIKE
Some of them liked Stalin.
SUNNY
Come on!
CLIP OF CHARLES MANSON AND HIS FEMALE “FAMILY"
MIKE (V.O.)
Most of Manson's family was women.
SUNNY (V.O.)
They were on drugs!
CLIP OF SCOTT PETERSON
MIKE (V.O.)
Scott Peterson gets marriage proposals.
SUNNY (V.O.)
There are always some wackos out there.
CLIP OF WOMEN THROWING THEIR PANTIES OVER A WALL
MIKE (V.O.)
After O.J. Simpson got out of jail, women were
throwing their panties over the wall at his house.
SUNNY (V.O.)
Would you want to be O.J.?
MIKE (V.O.)
Only one woman has ever thrown her panties at me.
EXT. BACKYARD - FLASHBACK
TEN YEAR OLD Mike is helping his GRANDMA do the laundry. He is holding
a basket while she takes clothes off the clothesline and tosses them in
his basket.
Grandma tosses her granny panties towards Ten Year Old Mike's basket, but over-throws; they hit him in the face.
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