Hitler had more Girlfriends than Me

Woody Allen once said, “I've never had a relationship that lasted longer than Hitler and Eva Braun."

Well, I’ve actually had fewer girlfriends than Hitler.

I discovered this quite by accident at Barnes and Noble. I was heading over to self-help section like I usually do on a dateless Saturday night. I was walking past the biography section when I spied a thick biography on Hitler.

After fighting for the losing side (Germany) in World War I, Hitler was homeless. He slept on park benches in Munich and Vienna, spent his days giving hate-filled speeches to resentful Germans, and dated women. Lots of women.

Hitler reportedly had a relationship with his 20-year-old half-niece, Geli Raubal, who eventually shot herself. Undeterred, lover boy had several more girlfriends: Fran Hoffman, Jenny Hang and Helen Hanfstaengl (who prevented Hitler from killing himself, twice!).

Of course, his most famous gal was the teenage Eva Braun whom he met in 1929. After years of pursuing her dream man, she became “Mrs. Hitler” on April 28, 1945. Thirty-six hours later they celebrated their honeymoon with a delightful double-suicide.

How in the world could an evil dictator with one testicle have more girlfriends than me? Was I a worse date than the most despised man in history? I'm not Tom Cruise, but I have a better haircut than Hitler, enjoy chick flicks and I'm a good listener..

Why, I recall back in my college days, a girl once told me, "You're such a good listener. I can tell you things that I don't even tell my boyfriend. He only gets my body."

(You can read more about my college days in an upcoming article entitled: "God, please give me a head injury so I can forget the past.")

I decided to research other villains of history. A murderous contemporary of Hitler, Joseph Stalin was said to have never been without a mistress. When he wasn't sending an estimated 10-20 million to their doom, Stalin married to Ekaterina Svanidze, who mysteriously "passed away." 

She was followed by Nadezhda Alliluyeva who committed suicide (some say Stalin murdered her). It was speculated that Stalin was married a third time, secretly, to his mistress Rosa Kaganovich; chicks love a man with a gulag!

In more modern times, Charles Manson was a favorite of the gals. Pre-murder, he moved in with UC Berkeley librarian Mary Brunner. Soon he had 18 more women living with him and Brunner. Later, Manson moved to “Spahn Ranch” with his infamous family, most were females.

Several years after his trial, O.J. Simpson said in a Playboy interview that he got far more women after the notorious murder trial than he ever did playing football and setting NFL records. Simpsons said, "Being accused of double-murder was like Spanish Fly."

For once, O.J. is telling the truth.

I recall seeing video footage of women throwing their panties over the wall at his Rockingham home following his acquittal. The only woman to ever throw her panties at me was my grandmother when I helped her do the laundry. Brrr...

After being convicted of the shotgun murders of his parents, with brother Lyle, Erik Menendez married afemale pen pal. Amazingly, Erik and doting wife Tammi have been married for over ten years even though the only contact they have is in the public prison visiting area. Who says you have to take a girl to a fancy place for a date?

In more recent times, convicted double-murderer Scott Peterson has reportedly received love letters in jail. While Scott reads his female fan mail, I'm going to Speed Dating events trying to fill 5 minutes of awkward conversation. I'd say one of us got off with a pretty easy sentence.

Eric Messick, spokesman for San Quentin State prison told SFGate.com that "the one" that women throw themselves more than any other inmate is Richard Ramirez, who killed 13 people. The "Night Stalker" gets more love letters than any other criminal, even though he is already married to female fan.

Come on ladies, he’s married, have you no shame?

As I recall my own dating life, I remember being passed over for men who were wife beaters, drug dealers and cheaters. One girl, who I had known for 15 years, blew me off for her first cousin, who had just gotten out of jail for grand theft auto. If that wasn't bad enough, the auto he had stolen was hers.

If I could only learn how to hot-wire the car of my beloved, then we could live in eternal bliss....sigh....