"Ideas for Dates in Los Angeles" (Westside Today, Jan. 2005)

Wacky Venice Boardwalk Date – Seek out a fortune teller to find out if you and your date are a good match. If she says you're meant to be, enjoy a romantic afternoon watching mentally ill street performers. If she says you're ill-matched, announce that you “forgot your wallet” and ask your date to pay the mystic for the reading.

Santa Monica Pier Date – Popular with 12-year-olds, couples who are kids-at-heart can play rigged carnival games, eat seafood and watch people (unwisely) go swimming in the ocean wearing their jeans. Don't warn them, part of the fun is watching the undertow!

Octopus Date – If things are going well, take your date to see the octopus in the Santa Monica Aquarium, below the pier. Wait a second, whose arm is that around you? =o)

Creepy Date – Take a Grave Line Tour where they take you to the famous places where stars passed away. Insist on lying on the sidewalk outside the Viper Room (where River Phoenix died) while screaming at your date to “take the damn picture!”

Comedy Date – Take your date to see the Upright Citizens Brigade or the Groundlings. During the car ride over, impress your gal with witty impressions of your kooky relatives that she has never met. Word is women really love the smelly old grandfather who farts.

Getty Villa Date – A mini-Getty Center has recently opened in the Palisades . Inside tip to guys, we hear that girls who go to art museums are easy, so be sure to ask your date, “Would you like to go to the art museum? That way I'll know for sure that I'll be getting some and I won't have to worry incessantly, thus, I'll be able to enjoy the date.”

Porn Star Date - One of the more wholesome dates in Los Angeles is porn star Karaoke at Sardos Restaurant in the Valley where your favorite porn stars sing your favorite tunes, what a lovely evening!

Church Date – You and your date attend church services after feeling guilty about watching porn stars sing. =o(

Mystery Date – You and your date spend a lovely evening at the Dinner Detective on the Westside where you enjoy a sub-standard dinner and solve a mystery (“What was that crunchy thing in my soup?”)

McDonalds Date – You and your date order in one window, pay at a different window and pick up your food at another window. All this action adds up to fun! And it's really inexpensive! (Psst, guys don't tell her, nuff said!)

Magic Date – Couples can enjoy a magic show at Magicopolis in Santa Monica and then make some magic of their own (woo! woo!). For a double-feature, trek over to nearby Puppetelio for a puppet show, guaranteed to frighten those with puppet-phobia. Guys, we guarantee your terrified date will be holding your hand the entire time (and digging her sharp finger nails into your arm, ouch!)

Bar Date - Misogynist-radio personality Tom Lykis assures us that alcohol "levels the playing field." No doubt, alcohol certainly helps people (who have nothing in common) magically fall in love! Why look at how many delightful pregnancies have occurred all because someone had too much to drink.

Coffee Date - Sadly this date doesn't involve alcohol, so it may be a downer for modern drunkards. The good news is you and your date can eavesdrop on other people's first dates. They're easy to spot: lots of stilted questions, long pauses and incessant smiling. Enjoy someone else's agony for once!